Not the Skinny One

This is a sensitive topic for me, and as I write this, I am not sure if I even want to post it, but here we go…

Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew I wasn’t the skinny one. I wore tankinis and one pieces while everyone else wore bikinis. I worried more about what we were going to be eating next. I was the one who always wanted more. I was the one who got in trouble not for being disrespectful, but for hiding candy wrappers around my house. I was the one who searched the kitchen for the secret hiding spots for candy and cookies.

And being a little girl, I didn’t notice that I was the outcast. The one that was different from everyone else. Because little kids don’t have judgements and they don’t know any different to think badly about themselves. But as I got older I learned the truth: people see you differently if you’re not skinny.

This was never that hard of a concept for me to grasp. Although, I luckily was never was treated badly for not being skinny. I’ve always had the best friends, a supportive family and even now an amazing boyfriend. I’m in tons of clubs in school, have an active social life, and get good grades. But for me, this is not enough.

I’ve struggled my entire tween and young adult life with my weight. I can’t remember the last time that I went more than an hour without thinking about how I look and how I don’t like the way I look. Literally I have tried so many things and programs to lose weight you wouldn’t even imagine. Weight Watchers multiple times, Jenny Craig, nutritionists, personal trainers, therapists and yet here I am, at the highest weight of my life and unhappy as ever.

No, I have never turned to anorexia or bulimia, but I have come close. I think there is something in my head that will not allow me to lose weight because I feel like all I think about is how happy I will be once I am skinny and healthy and how I will be able to wear all the clothes I want and just feel like a better person – but then I see food. And it’s like my mind goes “well screw it, you’ve gotta eat this!!!!” but in reality I don’t have to eat this. I know I don’t, but I do anyway.

I’m able to make jokes about my weight and be silly with it, but that isn’t what I really want. I want to be able to wear a bikini and feel confident in it. I want to not go to stores and try on things that aren’t supposed to be tight, but are. I want to be able to wear a sports bra to the gym if it is really hot out! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and I want to be able to be happy with myself.

I know something needs to change. I can’t keep living life this way. It not only is causing me emotional harm, but it is just not healthy. I am so thankful that I am not judged, out in the open at least, for my weight. But I can’t go on like this anymore. Something has to change. So I’m putting this in writing because I think that is makes it more real for me. It makes me accountable for my actions, even though I am still doing this for me.

Today is the day! March 4, 2015: I pledge to do right my by body and myself. I will not let food control my life anymore. I’m going to make smart decisions and I am going to stay on track with Weight Watchers because I know that this will result in my overall happiness in the future. I’m going to exercise as much as I can and I am going to congratulate  myself for the little goals and try to be happy with myself as I go on this journey. 

I can’t credit myself for this decision though because honestly I probably would have kept going down this path of idleness which would have just made me even more unhappy and who knows where that would lead to. My best friend reached out to me randomly when she didn’t even know how much I needed her encouragement. She has inspired me and helped me realize that I need to do this for me and I will be so happy with my final results. So I just wanted to say thank you and tell you how much you mean to me, Perri. Thank you.

So as I go further along this journey, I will share my progress with you and check in here because I think for me at least that gives me the motivation to keep going. So stay tuned for the new and improved me.

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